I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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