Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize