I wish I could punch you in the face.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
