my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
How does it feel to date your dad?
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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