This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Randomize