People with herpes should wear stickers.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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