If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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