I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Randomize
