i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Randomize
