I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
