I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
