Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
My ass is underappreciated
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Randomize
