I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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