There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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