I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
