This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Randomize
