Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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