I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize