If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize