we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
