On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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