Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
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