Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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