A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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