Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
