First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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