I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Someone signed my nipple.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
