Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
