I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
