there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
