the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
