your parents love me but you hate me
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
