you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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