Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
