i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
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