i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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