I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I didn't notice because vodka
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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