So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
