The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Randomize
