Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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