I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
