omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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