this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
