Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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