I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Randomize
