When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
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