Your face is a jimmy john
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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