party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
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