I wanna passion pit in your ass
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
