textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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