whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
