I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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