I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
