wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
