I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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