wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
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