1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
