that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
