yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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