My nipple is on Facebook.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Randomize
