Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
